[She nods, because she can see how that would make it hard for someone like Eggsy. He's not innocent by any means, but Alfie is on a level all his own and there's no point denying that.]
How has it been with T'Pol?
[Maybe it's not fair to ask that, but she glances over when she does and wouldn't take it back.]
Helena was a little older than you. She was- an inmate. She was from the Ukraine, and she liked baking and religious imagery in her violence. She cared something fierce for anyone who got in under her wing.
I started working in the kitchens to make sweets for her while the bread rose. If you saw her in passing, she had huge, fluffy white curls.
[It makes sense now, why he's bringing up Helena after being asked about T'Pol. She might not have the most experience in the world what it looks like when someone talks about someone they loved but all the signs point there. Making sweets, describing her hair so particularly, it all paints a clear picture.
She keeps quiet while he speaks, not wanting to derail him by asking questions when she isn't sure if this is even easy for him to talk about now.]
I learned that she had left the boat, right, the day- the day we got back from our life there. Our marriage. I went to check her rooms to talk about me having been in some woman's bed, even if I thought we were married. Her rooms were fucking empty, weren't they?
[Now Rey frowns with sympathy, only just manages not to reach out to rest her hand on Alfie's arm. She can't imagine how horrible that must have felt, not even the chance to say goodbye, never being able to speak to her and get rid of his guilt.]
I'm sorry.
[She'd usually keep a sentiment like that to herself, but if she can't reach out for him to show it she feels like she has to do something.]
[He reassures her, but doesn't shrug her hand off. Just explains;]
She wouldn't think twice about it. She'd have been off the ground, into my arms, with a kiss to soothe me, in less than a heartbeat. It's all in me head. Girl like her, she was kind about the things you couldn't help.
[Cross her, and she'd go all personal stigmata, but he takes that as read.]
I miss her, and I worry for her. If I had found her down there I don't know what I might have done.
[She nods, and she can see how that kind of person would be good for Alfie, would draw him in. The Barge is a worse place now that it doesn't have someone with that level of acceptance, someone warm enough to not be angry and instead just immediately offer their support.
She can see, too, why things with T'Pol would be difficult now.]
Maybe her not being there means that wherever she is, she's safe.
[She won't ask Tiffany, not when that will come with questions about why she wants to know, so for now Rey just lets the conversation trail off a little. They've been walking long enough by now to get to her camp anyway, so once they reach the clearing she leads him towards the little grouping of trees.]
See, there are the houses. [She points with one hand, shielding her eyes from the sun with the other.] I don't think anyone has figured out who put them there yet.
[She can't really do anything but agree with that, considering the state of her arm and her back and the fact that they still show no signs of healing properly any time soon.]
The Admiral was able to provide better than I expected for us once we got dropped into that place, so maybe he was right about this being a quiet stop. This far out, no one from the ship will be able to find this place unless they know the directions and I can set up traps to keep people who stumble in away. We can be safe here, unless you want to lock yourself up in the ship.
Nah. I'm too fucking tired, and from the sounds of it, the things that would happen to me in death back there won't happen to me in it this time around. If we launch into some kind of war, I'm borrowing that moonsword and schwoom, schwooming it.
[He says, affecting some very aggressive sawing at his own neck.]
[It's not necessarily new that Alfie can say things that bring Rey up short, have her stuck for a second before she can figure out how to proceed in the conversation, but this is different. This is something she can't understand for the life of her because it's so different from how she's lived her entire life. Life on Jakku could feel impossible at the best of times, but she's never felt like ending her life was the appropriate response to struggling to stay alive.
But she's also never been tired in the way Alfie has. She's still young, for everything she's been through, everything Jakku did to her, and she knows it's not right to expect her way of think will be the only way that matters. Still, though, it has her looking at him like she's worried, scared for him. She'd risked her life to protect him only because she likes him, after all, his death is the last thing she would ever be alright with.]
Did you- would you feel that way in your own world?
[Or is it only here, where death isn't permanent, where it means something and nothing all at the same time.]
No, but there, I was happy. My life had meaning, and joy, and struggle.
[He reminds her, clearing his throat some.]
You don't know much about my work, but it was- a battle. A war. A game that I was good at, and I had friends and family and coworkers, and community and faith. I had men who were learning from me, and boys who were coming up strong in my gang, who it was a pleasure to see thrive. I had a nice mortal enemy, not Tommy, who I liked seeing thwarted. I had Tommy, who was an upstart, but a joy to do battle with.
Every now and again I think 'I'll give it a go here, it won't be so bad,' and then someone kills my girl, or tears my hands and knees off with their teeth, or picks a fight about something stupid, and I care just a little less.
[All of that makes sense, so Rey nods and leads them over to the fire pit where she's laid out a few old stumps as seats. She has some water stored here, so she hands a flask of it over, sits with him. It was, after all, a long walk.]
You are still fighting, though. After you had my lightsaber, you could have used it on yourself and left the rest of us to fight our way out on our own, but you helped. You protected me.
[She hasn't thanked him for that yet and even now that's not exactly what she's doing. It might be as close as she gets, just acknowledging she did need help.]
[Her eyes zero in on him quickly when he groans he sits and she wonders if maybe making him walk all this way wasn't the smartest thing she could have ever done.]
I'm not sure it works like that.
[Which isn't to say she isn't very glad she's been paired with Alfie, but they don't get to pick. He's absolutely who she would have chosen now that she knows him well, but in this case it was the luck of the draw and, to her, they just happened to get very lucky.]
[She knows how highly he had thought of Max, so all of that is very high praise that has her feeling a little overwhelmed, unsure what to do with the feeling of warmth that swamps her, how good it feels to know she's doing something right here. It's easier to just- change the subject, a little, guide them towards something that won't make her go all red in the face because she's getting very close to that.]
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How has it been with T'Pol?
[Maybe it's not fair to ask that, but she glances over when she does and wouldn't take it back.]
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Did you ever meet Helena?
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[It's not a name that's familiar, not one she's even heard from anyone else on the ship in her time here.]
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I started working in the kitchens to make sweets for her while the bread rose. If you saw her in passing, she had huge, fluffy white curls.
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She keeps quiet while he speaks, not wanting to derail him by asking questions when she isn't sure if this is even easy for him to talk about now.]
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I'm sorry.
[She'd usually keep a sentiment like that to herself, but if she can't reach out for him to show it she feels like she has to do something.]
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[He reassures her, but doesn't shrug her hand off. Just explains;]
She wouldn't think twice about it. She'd have been off the ground, into my arms, with a kiss to soothe me, in less than a heartbeat. It's all in me head. Girl like her, she was kind about the things you couldn't help.
[Cross her, and she'd go all personal stigmata, but he takes that as read.]
I miss her, and I worry for her. If I had found her down there I don't know what I might have done.
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She can see, too, why things with T'Pol would be difficult now.]
Maybe her not being there means that wherever she is, she's safe.
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[He admits, and clears his throat.]
I was glad not to see her down there, I think I said.
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See, there are the houses. [She points with one hand, shielding her eyes from the sun with the other.] I don't think anyone has figured out who put them there yet.
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[Says Alfie, utterly wryly. Oh well.]
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[She's nothing if not pragmatic.]
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[He says, with a long sigh.]
I'm so fucking tired of near murders.
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The Admiral was able to provide better than I expected for us once we got dropped into that place, so maybe he was right about this being a quiet stop. This far out, no one from the ship will be able to find this place unless they know the directions and I can set up traps to keep people who stumble in away. We can be safe here, unless you want to lock yourself up in the ship.
cw: suicidal ideation
[He says, affecting some very aggressive sawing at his own neck.]
cw: suicidal ideation
But she's also never been tired in the way Alfie has. She's still young, for everything she's been through, everything Jakku did to her, and she knows it's not right to expect her way of think will be the only way that matters. Still, though, it has her looking at him like she's worried, scared for him. She'd risked her life to protect him only because she likes him, after all, his death is the last thing she would ever be alright with.]
Did you- would you feel that way in your own world?
[Or is it only here, where death isn't permanent, where it means something and nothing all at the same time.]
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[He reminds her, clearing his throat some.]
You don't know much about my work, but it was- a battle. A war. A game that I was good at, and I had friends and family and coworkers, and community and faith. I had men who were learning from me, and boys who were coming up strong in my gang, who it was a pleasure to see thrive. I had a nice mortal enemy, not Tommy, who I liked seeing thwarted. I had Tommy, who was an upstart, but a joy to do battle with.
Every now and again I think 'I'll give it a go here, it won't be so bad,' and then someone kills my girl, or tears my hands and knees off with their teeth, or picks a fight about something stupid, and I care just a little less.
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You are still fighting, though. After you had my lightsaber, you could have used it on yourself and left the rest of us to fight our way out on our own, but you helped. You protected me.
[She hasn't thanked him for that yet and even now that's not exactly what she's doing. It might be as close as she gets, just acknowledging she did need help.]
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[He admits, as he sinks down in a seat, and sits back with a groan.]
It's why you're my warden.
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I'm not sure it works like that.
[Which isn't to say she isn't very glad she's been paired with Alfie, but they don't get to pick. He's absolutely who she would have chosen now that she knows him well, but in this case it was the luck of the draw and, to her, they just happened to get very lucky.]
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[Alfie explains, with a broad, expansive gesture.]
And you get paired with them so they can manage you. You, your type, brings out the best in me. That's why I have you, that's why I had little Max.
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Does that make the Max I know big Max?
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